October 1st, Trondheim, Norway.
I’ve lived in Trondheim for just over 6 weeks now. My girlfriend Ella is well into her studies at NTNU, we have a small but nice apartment here, and it feels sort of like home. It’s a beautiful fall season here, with lots of color on the leaves, and nice sunny weather. But this time of year is very double sided for me. On one hand it’s very pretty, there’s things to do outside, and lots of thing going on everywhere. But on the other hand, there’s a lot of pressure on working, saving, deciding and training. I've had some good falls, but some really awful ones too. This one is, for lack of a better expression, different.
I’m 23 years old, and I’m first and foremost a skier. I also love surfing and climbing, and I’m an outdoor enthusiast. I have a very active and reflective mind, which is probably my biggest strength and weakness at the same time. Since graduated high school, fall has been a time for working and saving money for the upcoming season. Lots of work, some training, mixed with a trip or too, usually to southern Europe, visiting relatives or for surfing. This fall was supposed to be just like that, only spent in Trondheim, Norway. The thing is, so far, it has not.
I haven’t really gotten a job. Or, I have gotten I job, a nice one I think, but I haven’t started yet, and I don’t know when I will. I’m not sure if it’s because I suck or haven’t tried hard enough, or because the job market is tough, or because of something else. This means that I have lots of time to do other stuff. And that’s sort of what spawned all of this.
In the skintracks behind Whitewater in January and February I had the idea of a on online touring journal. I missed posting text online, for some odd reason. And I feel like a blog is boring and irrelevant in a way. And I never put the time to write posts for my blog anyway. With the touring journal, which I would write anyway, I just did my favorite thing and combined it with writing. Which is also something I like and something people have told me I’m good at. But I don’t do it enough. I have a dream om maybe making some money or something off of it. So what this joblessness has given me, is a chance to give it my all.
I’ve recently realized something. It’s about my dreams and what I think maybe life should be like. I think a lot about a lot of things. I’ve thought a lot about how I’m so scared of ending up with a unsatisfying job in a city with normal everyday routines and sort a gray life. With an apartment, mortgage and a lot of boring bills that I have to work a boring job to pay. I do not want that. Not get stuck in the loop, four weeks of vacation each year, and too tired from the boring job on weekends to actually do what I want to do. Dystopia. I follow a lot of people on social media that preach ”live your dream”, and I have a lot of friends who are actually doing that too. I watch tv shows about it, read books and listen to podcasts about it. I want to live my dream and do fun things. But coming back to the realization, it’s about how I’m afraid to not be and do a bunch of things. It’s not about things I want to do, rather about things I don’t want to do. And I don’t have a clear definition of what I want or need to do instead of all the things I avoid. Actually I don’t know what to do at all. I just know what I don’t want to do. And that is extremely counterproductive. I doesn’t help me in any way at all.
Getting that boring job would absolutely be better than not doing anything, which is the alternative if I can’t figure out the dreams, goals and steps to reach them. I still need to support myself. I need to eat, I need a place to stay, and I need to ski. I can’t just walk around trying to do things at random. If just work a normal job, the worst case scenario is that I maintain the status quo. If I don’t work a normal job, but don’t have an alternative plan, I will probably have to cut back on some things, leaving life to be less than status quo. You could say that I’d go backwards. And that’s worse. When the concept of not conforming and not be like becomes bigger and more important than than the dream or doing your own thing, it’s worthless.
There’s line in there somewhere. A very fine line. It’s a line betweenn working hard and taking chances, and just not working at all and being comfortable and lazy. I’m comfortable and lazy, but I need to get over the line. That’s what this is. That’s my conclusion. The fact that at least for today, I don’t have a job, compels me to work really hard at all this. I need to define my dream. I need to make that dream into goals. And then I need to divide the goals into a set of smaller goals, and make a plan on how to achieve those goals. This is part of that. Giving it my all.